Enismirdal's Slash Archive

Title: This is Fate
Author: Enismirdal enismirdal@caths.co.uk
Pairing: ?/?
Rating: G
Warning: This is miserable and depressive...and did I say miserable?
Summary: To lose the one you love...

A thousand thank yous to Tuxedo_Elf for her marvellous suggestions and putting up with me pondering for half an hour or so on a single sentence, and to Claudio for the name Dínenon (~Silent One)!


Part I - To Love

Do you remember the night when you came?

You were lost, alone, confused and grieving. My Lord, in his kindness, provided shelter, food and rest, and slowly your ashen face and gaunt features returned to their former elegance.

I was captivated from the first moment that I saw your pale form huddled before the fire; I sensed that you were...something unique among us. More, somehow, than others.

So I embarked on a quest to unravel your mystery, find out who you truly were.

I remember that day so clearly; it was the day I found compassion once again. The others meant well, I felt, as they hurried around me with food and blankets and hot wine, but I longed only for warmth and peace.

You gave that; unlike the others, you asked no questions, expected no immediate answers. Your gentle voice soothed me with words of friendship and for the first time in centuries, I felt I was with one whom I could trust.

You know, you never did tell me your name. But, over time, I began to guess, as I watched your reactions and demeanour. The light in your eyes at the mournful music of the flute, the way your breath would catch when a fair maiden stood to dance, her dark hair weaving a veil of night around her supple form. Did they all remind you of her?

Yet even when I spoke your name to you one night, you begged me to let you keep your secret, so I simply named you Dínenon.

My old life and my old name died when I left the forest, when my heart was torn by watching my love choose another. Now, if I have a name at all, it is not for my choosing.

You never betrayed me; if any of the others also realised who I used to be, they never spoke of it. What I was then is lost, forgotten. All that is left is a shade. I eat, but the food has no flavour; I sleep, but awaken no more refreshed. Even music, once my greatest joy, is now mere noises, a pale echo of the richness I once knew.

I do not wish for this! I want to remain here with you, the one who has never betrayed my trust, the one who has done so much to try to help me remember happiness. But it seems that happiness is denied to me, and so instead I seek only peace for my final time.

Why, after so many long ages spent alone, did I finally fall in love with one who must be taken from me in so short a time?

Oh, my love, why?

Part II - To Lose

Each day I must watch you slip away from me a little more. Every hour brings me closer to the day that I will finally lose you. I place my head on the pillow each night praying that when Anor rises once more, you will still be with me to greet the dawn. Each kiss that I lay upon your lips may be the last I ever bestow.

Your cheek feels so cold beneath my fingertips; your skin so pale that it is almost translucent. I remember the warmth and life, the shy blushes and rich laughter. Where did it all go? It is as if the life is being drawn from you, as a weed draws life from the soil.

Oh, my love, that is indeed what is happening. I am sorry - I do not wish to lose you, any more than you wish to lose me. I would give all I have to remain, but it seems that this is not my destiny.

I am sorry.

I fear for you. I fear for the future without you. Why must it be this way? Why must the best people meet the worst fates?

I cannot choose this - I do not want to wane and fade in this way. I know not why this is happening to me now; I suppose the weight on my soul was heavier than I cared to admit.

Just please do not leave me now.

My love, I will never leave you, not until the end. Each day I wonder if there is something I have not done, something that would assuage the hurts you carry and hold you here - even for just a few months more.

But nothing seems to be enough to bring you back to me, so instead I treasure each moment we have. I hold you, knowing that one day I will never hold you again; I speak to you, knowing that one day I will never hear your voice answer.

There are those times when you seem to fade so much faster, and I wonder if this is finally the end, if this will be the time when you are lost to me forever. That is why, then, I will not leave your side, even when others beg me to for my own sake. I cannot take a moment for granted any more, and so I stay...

I do not think that I have ever been able to express aloud how much it means to me when you stay with me through those hardest times. I worry for you, because you deserve to live, even if I cannot, yet your presence is my strength. When I fight and win yet another difficult battle against the fading, each time it is because of my love for you. But one day, I know that your strength will not be enough to save me.

I sense that our time together will soon be over and, by the Valar, how I dread that day; how it twists my stomach and freezes my heart with fear. Yet I know I cannot change it. And still I am afraid. I dread the day when you will finally slip away from me...

I fear the end too, I fear being alone, I fear being forgotten; I fear never knowing your touch and voice again. I am sorry, Galdor. I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused, and I am sorry that it still will not end. But this is fate.

Fate? Then, meleth...Dínenon...Daeron...I despise fate, for what it has done.